for the sparrows

I am not a poet in the slightest.

These are some thoughts I scribbled down on a napkin on the way home from work, after reading Matthew 6.  Today has been a good day, in a puddle-jumping, blue-sky way.  And I am thankful.

And I 

learned

with earth-stained palms

that life can only be carried

by hands that don't rush

or worry

or hurry

by sparrows that follow

the wind in their journey

by neglecting

should

and

would

and could

we might find

can

we might find

unmistaken land

to call home

we might stop

looking

and anxiously roaming

we might give away our treasures

knowing that people

are

the

richest

gift

because

we

have enough for each season and journey

because

we jump headfirst from the nest

without reason or worry

because

our hands

are both empty and full

exactly when they need to be

so we

rest

in the fact that

we're flying and free.

en(courage)

This semester has exploded.

Thankfully, not just with work and responsibilities but with friends.

Who knew that could happen?

More than ever before, I've been meeting people that really inspire me.

People who believe in God.
People who believe in the power of words.
People who believe in taking big risks.
People that are planning trips to every corner of the earth.
People who believe that other people matter.
People who believe that making a life and making a living are two different things.

It's said that when you train for a race, you don't want to run with people your speed.  You want to run with people who are faster than you are, better than you are, and more enduring than you are.  That way, eventually, you'll be just as fast as they are.  You're less likely to quit and you're less likely to run how you think you're capable of running.  Because you're running with people who push you.

That's what I feel like.  I feel like I'm running with people who see the same finish line that I do.  And they're not slowing up or giving up until they get there.

I had coffee with a friend this week who was refreshingly honest and a fantastically good listener.  Her words and her silence were life-giving.

It occurred to me that not only was I being encouraged, I was in courage- wading through it with my jeans rolled up to the knee.  Sometimes I think we forget that life takes a great deal of courage- especially if you're really going to live it.  Being vulnerable and wrestling with things and taking risks requires a lot of reminders that we're not alone.  We need people in it with us who are willing to speak truth, encouragement, and beauty that will ultimately push us forward in love.

A friend once told me that we have who we need in our life when we need them.  She's a believer that each friendship has a specific purpose for a specific season of life.

I don't know the times or the seasons, but I know the sound of grace.  If you're reading this- thank you for running with me.

People with wild dreams and open hearts have reminded me that the destination is worth the journey.

So keep running, friends.  I'm right beside you.

Keep dreaming.  I'm there too.

Keep hoping.
Keep planning.
Keep loving.
Keep risking.

You
are
not
the
only
one.

Look up.

This past week felt really long. I don't do this very often, but this is my journal entry from Friday. Maybe it's for you too.

2.4.11

Look up.

It stirred, a strong thought coming out of nowhere.

I overslept after 5 hours of sleep. I had stayed up too late trying to start a canvas and finish a paper. I had promised myself I'd start to paint again, but my colors just didn't work. I tossed it on my desk, and just went to bed, feeling incredibly useless. I woke up to the botched canvas, a reminder of my failure. Then, I spilled coffee everywhere. Dropped my phone in the snow. One thing after the next after the next. My heart felt brittle and all of the letters that threatened to come tumbling out from behind my throat were biting and sarcastic. The bitter cold had crept through my skin and stolen my usual warmth.

If I'm being honest, my walk with God has been feeling like more of an uphill climb lately. It's not that I'm not going anywhere, it's just that each step is incredibly hard. When I had quiet time this morning, it didn't feel renewing like it usually does. It didn't feel like the smell of earth after a good rain. It felt frustrating- and I walked away feeling more angry than I did when I started.

As I drove to work bleary-eyed and exhausted, everything in me felt like it had been stretched too far.

Look, Elizabeth.

As I turned onto campus, I caught a glimpse of the sky. Yellow melted into dusty pink that faded into brilliant orange, a haze around the rising sun. It was my sunrise. The sunrise that I had tried to paint the night before. My breath caught in my chest, tangled around my ribs.

How had I almost missed this?

The sun rose bravely, like it knew it was scaring away darkness with the thought of dawn. Suddenly, I could breathe. I squinted into the light and was flooded with the feeling that I was known. It streamed down, washing traces of frustration and sadness from my bones.

I hear you, Elizabeth.

It was quiet, like someone was humming a song in the distance. But it was there.

Me, heard?

My voice, my dreams, my frustrations, my biggest fears, my tip-toe hoping and wild expectations for an adventure that seems so far away.

My stubborn eyes brimmed.  My sunrise did exist, better and brighter than I had imagined it in the first place. God's timing never quite seems to be my timing. His ways never include anything that I can wrap my mind around. Yet these dreams I have- they're not so far off. They're in His timing and in His ways that are a million times more beautiful than anything my mind can imagine.

My life is His canvas- and as surely as the sun rises with the morning- He will finish what He started.

a retrospect

With my free day off, I cleaned today.  In the middle of reorganizing of my stuff, I found an old single subject notebook.

I flipped open the first page.

December 12th, 2006 is scrawled in the upper right hand corner.

I was barely 16.  It seems like another lifetime ago.  In between the lines lived a much younger version of myself- more hopeful, more naive, and yet braver in a way that I envy.

I used to be so much fire per square inch, ready to explode and take on the world.  That explosive, in-your-face part of me has gotten more tame, in a good way.

But the dreaming part- the yearning, going, dancing-in-tall-grass-part has stayed the same.

I think it always will.

(Here's a glimpse into my 16-year-old dreams.  Don't judge too harshly :)

100 things I want to do before I die

1. write a book
2. go skydiving
3. visit London
4. pay for someone else’s groceries
5. learn sign language
6. read the entire Bible
7. see New York
8. build a house for someone else  6/30/06
9. finish a half-marathon
10.  see the Northern Lights 7/20/2011
11.  take professional photographs  2008
12.  see a solar eclipse  1/4/11
13.  finish Les Miserables
14.   swim in the Atlantic Ocean  7/16/10
15.   learn to surf
16.   go on a roadtrip 
17.   learn to drive a stick shift
18.   sponsor a child
19.   go horseback riding  4/25/2008
20.   stand under a waterfall  8/12/09
21.   take a college class  8/28/08
22.   plant a sunflower garden  4/30/10
23.   be in a protest  9/1/09
24.   journal everyday for a year
25.   donate my hair  6/1/07
26.   go on a hot air balloon
27.   take a pottery class
28.   give away something valuable to someone who wouldn’t dream of asking for it
29.   attend a musical  10/16/10
30.   volunteer at Hopeline 2012
31.   see the Statue of Liberty
32.   be in a poetry reading  4/16/2008, 4/17/2009, 4/18/2010, 7/29/10
33.   go camping 9/1/2012
34.   learn to play the guitar 2012
35.   go on a mission’s trip  2006, 2010, 2012
36.   get rid of the word “can’t” for 48 hours
37.   be able to fix my own car
38.   go white water rafting  7/6/2006
39.   teach a class about writing  12/6/2010
40.   see a drive-in movie
41.   drive without a destination
42.   help a stranger anonymously
43.   write a play  4/16/2010, 12/2/2010
44.   live without electronics for 6 months
45.   learn to play poker  1/27/11
46.   go to a Carole King concert
47.   meet a government leader
48.   have dreadlocks
49.   see all 50 states
50.   learn to cook  7/10/10
51.   live abroad for a year
52.   write a memoir
53.   do something that seems absolutely impossible
54.   learn to skateboard  7/25/2010
55.   go without makeup for a month  1/2011
56.   visit a lighthouse
57.   take a day of silence for something that matters
58.   keep a blog  9/6/2010
59.   go to a music festival
60.   visit an Amish community
61.   be in an intentional homeless community project
62.   learn about the constellations
63.   go to Australia with TWLOHA
64.   climb a fourteener
65.   be passionate about a non-profit 2012
66.   get a B.A. in English (yee! 12/2012)
67.   take a photo everyday for a year
68.   fly a plane

To dream recklessly- that's what's on my heart today.  To seize life instead of watching it pass by.  To know when to speak and when to listen.  To be relentlessly loving.  To know when to jump.  To be awake and alive.  To hold kite strings to the sky.  That's what I want.